Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
