is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
