New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
