dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
