your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i would punch a child for taco bell
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
