my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
