chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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