Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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