Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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