this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
