I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
