You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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