well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
