he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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