he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
