Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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