oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
