she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
