...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
