I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
