but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
