how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
