hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
did you just send me my own nude
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
