Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
