mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
