so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
