Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize