you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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