Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
