Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
