Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
