My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
