my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
