FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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