Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
