8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
