i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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