The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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