I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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