we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
