Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
