If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
