someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
