I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I can't put those talents on a resume
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
