fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
is wine microwaveable?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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