I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it because I queefed?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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