I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
