this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
