And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
