well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need a beard to bite.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
