Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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