I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
