The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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