What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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