life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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