chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
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