it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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