i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize