It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
