Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
