Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize