Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize