Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
