it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
